Sittin' on the fence

What I'm about to type is a principle I've known and taught for years.  It's a principle I've tried to "do" on my own for years, thinking I was relying on the Lord to help me "do" it BUT on accident, still relying on myself. It's a concept I've always known to be true but my deep desire to stratal the fence of "the sacred vs the secular" has created a scenario that has drawn me far at times from what I know to be true. However, like the woman in the book of Revelation, who called herself a leader of the people but was inevitably thrown on a sickbed until she learned and repented, so now I've been thrown on my own personal sickbed so that I can truly learn what God needs me to learn (2:20-22).

Curious now? Well here it is.  God is showing me that a certain type of spiritual death is required of me if I'm going to follow Jesus. Yeah, yeah, I've known this since I was a child, I've been singing "I have decided to follow Jesus...no turning back, no turning back" all my life for goodness sake! But I'm weak! FINALLY though, I'm learning that... 

• if I'm going to choose to follow Jesus wholeheartedly - and not just try to choose his holy standards;
• if I'm going to leave behind my incessant attraction to the ways of the world - and not just try to restrain myself and then fail repeatedly;
• if I let him teach me, while on my 25 month sickbed, to actually believe - and not just try to believe, that I'm his precious daughter whom he loves EVEN as I continue to resist getting off that figurative fence; 

Then, I'll actually begin to understand that if I'll choose his side of the fence, there will be a Holy Spirit-granted power to live joyfully according to his holy standards.  This, in turn, will have a supernatural effect on not just me but on the watching world around me (and it will make all my relationships better too!).

I have to admit though, I'm still resisting.  I LIKE to stratal the fence...it allows me to do what I love:  Serve Jesus AND serve myself. But, because God is unrelenting in the pursuit of his children, he's slowly but surely removing the foundation of my fence so that, before long, I'll be sitting on the ground looking up into his gracious eyes, knowing my sickbed was allowed by him for my good; that it was literally a gift from him that would open my eyes to the wonders and joys of following him with abandon.